Misdirection

I don't always read the instructions that come with things less complicated than a toothbrush but sometimes doing so ends up being more fun than the products themselves.

One thing I love doing, however, is looking to see just how many warranties a manufacturer can attempt to disclaim? Why every one of course. (Good luck!). Recently, in the course of contemplating the implied warranty of fitness for a particular purpose, the following instructional directives/commands/pleas jumped out at me:

Panasonic Hairdryer:
"Never use while underwater."

Graco Children's Car Seat:
"Not for use on motorcycles, watercraft or farm equipment, including push or riding lawn mowers."

Kirtland Stainless Chaffing Dishes:
"Never use heated fuel with cold dishes."

Pizza Box from Dion's Pizza (A local Albuquerque chain):
"Always remove pizza from box before reheating in oven or over open flame."

LG Front-Loading Washer:
"Never attempt to operate washer when someone is inside unit."

Craftsman Circular Saw:
"Use Care When Operating - When in motion, blade will cut skin on contact."

As I'm working on a fairly large products liability case right now, I'm reminded that someone, somewhere has taken the above action, been injured as a result and sued the manufacturer for their injuries under a theory of products liability. The instructions, while clearly appearing to fly in the face of common sense also have the legal effect of serving to warn and trim back at least one branch of a potential plaintiff's case.

Neat huh? Not so much common sense as common law. Oh, and don't even think about scoffing and telling me we live in too litigious a society.

Instead, consider that we live in a society where most companies need to put a notice on their return envelopes informing us, the wise, sue-happy American public to, "Affix Postage. Post Office will not deliver without a stamp."

I, uh, rest my case.

Gift You!

So what did you get for Christmas?

Peace?
(No. Not if we're in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Congo, Sudan and a long list of other places we never hear about!)

Goodwill?
(Nope. Especially if we're talking about the last parking spot at Trader Joe's!)

Fellowship?
(Nada! Particularly if we've overstayed our visa or crossed the border "illegally"!)

Your two front teeth?
(Nope, implants!)

Well, what did you get for Christmas then?
(One damn funny movie with a title that says it all... Sexy Beast!)

Maybe Christmas is about getting what you want as long as you don't live in certain places, do ride a bicycle to shop and just happen to be born in the United States...

Cool...

Oh, but implant-wise having dental uh, "insurance" makes no difference either way! It doesn't cover them!

Visions of Sugar Plums

Yes, boys and girls I'm nothing if not realistic, even cynical when it comes to Christmas.

But that won't keep me from enjoying the glow of the tree lights and curling up on the couch with my main squeeze, a bottle of Korbel Brut handy and Christmas in Connecticut on the big screen.

Forget fat Santa boy. That's kid's stuff. I'll take a young Barbara Stanwyck on a ladder any day.

Spend All You Want... We'll Print More.

Christmas time is here and I can't seem to get that chorus from a Charlie Brown Christmas out of my head.


This is the time of year when people smile a little more between the stress of finding the "perfect" gift for you-know-who. (I don't know who, YOU know who!) Of course, this is also the time when most people dig themselves deeper into debt for the sole purpose of feeling like they're flush with cash and yule-tide cheer; i.e. the credit card bills won't arrive until mid-January so put another gift under that tree.

Christmas always reminds me that the majority of Americans continue to live way beyond their financial means (and yes, I do think about this stuff). More than any other holiday, Christmas justifies excess and personal irresponsibility. To me, the holiday's purpose is first and foremost a mass rationalization for the group-think of spending money one doesn't have. Retailers and the media send a message that resonates quite effectively for family members who "feel" like they need to buy a sufficient number of presents or they'll "feel" less good about themselves.

Cynical? Whatever. Realistic? You bet'cha!

Articles abound about consumer confidence; i.e. willingness to spend and whether or not retailers are or are not going to make projected increased sales this year. At the same time, the mortgage issue (I refuse to subscribe to the "C" word) continues to be an editor's dream and the rate of credit card defaults remains on a steady upward climb.

I'd like to see media reporting and consumer education that effectively correlates the two issues; namely your holiday spending translates into your deepening consumer debt. Reduce one and the other must follow. I admit that perhaps that might be too uh.. cynical or even too realistic for all those shoppers striving to feel good during this holiday season. It's certain they don't want to hear that message.


But didn't Linus tell Charlie Brown that Christmas is not all about getting what you want?

Smart guy that Linus.

Double Indemnity for Credit

It's almost the end of the year and all over the U.S. busy little lawyers are scurrying around doing their best to rack up enough continuing legal education (CLE) credits to remain in good standing with their respective bars for at least one more year.

Although both Wisconsin and New Mexico give first year lawyers a break and don't require CLEs from them until the following year after admission (2008 in my case), it's never to early to let one's butt grow numb via the combined efforts of a hotel chair and an overly sentence-heavy, power point slide show.

(Tip for Presenters: Stop reading the paragraphs of information you've put in your slides. Let the audience do that, it helps keep them awake).

I spent the day in a bad faith insurance CLE, which if truth be told was interesting and informative.

The seminar had the added bonus of reminding me of a particular insurance course at Wisconsin taught by one Professor Peter Carstensen. His course was great not only because of the subject, but also because Carstensen is a funny guy who knows how to keep his audience entertained. The only issue I had with the course was that it was scheduled to meet in the wee early hours of the morning, i.e. 8:00, 8:15 or some such time and which significantly impacted my attendance, no doubt.

But to think... a scant 18 months after first learning about subrogation, bad faith and those sneaky endorsements, I'm actually practicing insurance defense and enjoying myself immensely.

Thanks Pete!

Makes You Wanna' Treat Me with More Respect, Don't It?

Checking my email this morning, I found the daily news digest from Law.com indicating that starting salaries for new associates have been raised by one DC law firm to the lofty height of $180K annually.

One-hundred and eighty thousand dollars per year? For a brand-spanking new attorney fresh from the trials and tribulations of law school?

Wait, I'm one of those aren't I? You mean I'm worth 180 GRAND? (Shhhh, I say to the supervising attorneys giggling in the background).

Please...

I'd like to put that figure in perspective:

One hundred and eighty thousand dollars is more than a Member of Congress makes annually ($165,200) and more than the minimum starting salary in the NFL ($131,000), NHL ($125,000) and MLB ($109,000). It's more than eight times the federal poverty line for a family of four and nearly double what a top tier law school charges for tuition. More importantly, its a number that suggests that the client's money is somehow worth less than the firm's own. After all, it's the clients paying for these salaries, not the partners (find me one partner who wants to take funds out of their annual bonuses to pay new law grads such sums, and I'll show you a partner who's "Of Counsel".)

Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the point of being an associate that one has yet to learn enough to participate as a full partner in the practice of law with other lawyers? Is there anyone out there that thinks a first year associate, and I don't care if he or she graduated top of their class at Harvard, knows one single thing about the 'practice' of law?

So why the inflated salary?

In a word, oneupmanship. The firm at issue here, Williams & Connoley, is a DC-based firm that wants to top the New York firms in the salary department. Look at us, aren't we spiffy?

Oh, and there are practicalities at stake too of course. "The firm does not offer end-of-the-year bonuses as most firms do, so it typically compensates by paying higher base salaries."

Ohhhhh... of course.

Pumping Legal Iron...

Headline this morning from the Chicago Tribune grabbed my attention:

"Roberts Admits to Taking Steroids"

Until I saw that the article was referring to that 'other' Roberts, I couldn't help but wonder if the Chief Justice's steroid use might help overcome the Supreme Court's apparent unwillingness to take on the heavy lifting required in granting certiorari to more than the hundred or so cases is presently accepts each year?

Now, Get to Work!

Ah well... It seems the ABA Journal published its "Blawg 100" and the old R&G Law apparently did not make the cut.

Oversight? I doubt it. The truth is, I've not been updating the blog like I should, given its obvious niche audience and subject matter.

But no more folks!

Going forward, the goal for 2008 is to make the Top 100 by focusing on legal topics of interest, albeit with that unique Land of Enchantment flavor; i.e. a red or green perspective.

Today, you are witness as we embark on the exciting, improved Spinal Tap... er, uh, Red and Green Law.

We hope you enjoy our new direction.

Never Forget!

After a lifetime of slurping at the public trough and all the "I'm not gay!", "I'll resign", "I'm not resigning!" rhetoric, Senator Larry Craig will never-the-less be remembered for his pit-stop in a Minneapolis Airport mens room that went badly awry.


Oh well, maybe he'll get something long and hard for Christmas in his stocking.

After all kiddies, Santa equally knows when you've been nice or naughty.

60 Days...

Time does fly when you're having fun. That's the saying anyway, but what I think it means is that when life is grabbing you by the shorthairs and pulling you along, a person tends not to notice just how long it's been since they last blogged.

Sixty days have gone by since I last posted on Michigan's loss to.. uh.. who cares. The Badgers managed to rout 'em on Sunday and that's far more relevant. While not missing Madison in the least, I am sorry to have missed the after-party. Coming off of several losses and mathmatically eliminating me from the office pool, Wisconsin looks to be ending their season with at least some respect for a job halfway well-done.

Work is busy and I'm daily reminded just how little about the practice of law I learned in law school. But wow! I'm moving along from research to motion practice to figuring out how to schedule depositions with opposing counsel and review medical records (yes, doctors do have the worst handwriting). Learning it, living it, loving it... "it" being the practice of law baby!

Speaking of baby, or babies. The little ones are getting bigger each day and becoming more and more a part of daily life. I didn't think that I'd take six months to figure out how do deal with the fact that I'm a new father... I thought it would take years and involve considerable bulk purchases of Johnny Walker (Black)... not so.

(Well, liberal applications of JW don't hurt)

But all in all, time heals all wounds even if self-inflicted.

A Man with A Plan

I went looking for some good news and found this gem just waiting to make me LAUGH.

The headline says it all:

"MAN BUILDS GUILLOTINE TO KILL HIMSELF"

Aside from the obvious, the story has two additional facts that sent me rolling on the floor. First, the name of the police chief quoted is "Dale Covert". Poor guy, to be stuck on a local police force with a name like that. You just know he's repeatedly applied with the feds; alas, the CIA has no sense of humor.

Second, the deceased airhead (get it), may or may not have been an engineering grad, but he was from Michigan!


An 0-2 record can really get a person down.

Legal Disclaimer: If, after reading this post, you A) are from Michigan, and B) build a guillotine and use it on yourself, I bear no responsibility for having provided you with the idea.

I will, however, laugh.

Shouldn't We Be Smarter Than This?

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Please join me in getting depressed reading about the new Kaiser Foundation survey on health care costs.

Since 2001, the annual employee payment for health insurance has increased by 78 percent, compared with a wage increase of 19 percent and an inflation rate of 17 percent. In my case, if I take 'advantage' of the health insurance offered through my employer my 25 percent of the total premium will cost me roughly $3800 a year. On top of that there are $20 copays every time someone in my family visits a doctor and at least $10 every time a prescription is filled but only if the drug is on the lowest of three pricing tiers.

If all that isn't bad enough the obvious conclusion is that health insurance is quickly becoming too expensive for small and medium businesses. This means fewer employers are able to pick up the tab today than they were six years ago. (In case you didn't know, most employers pay 75% of the total cost, or in my employer's case roughly $10,000 a year per employee. We have over 150 employees, you do the math).

When do we finally get to the point where we decide that enough is enough and start forcing our elected representatives to take notice and change the laws that govern how health care is funded?

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that as costs continue to increase, and more and more workers lose insurance coverage because their employers no longer can afford to offer it, that the bulk of those paying for insurance today will be the uninsured tomorrow.

Who picks up the cost for the growing uninsured? Federal and state governments in large part, as well as you, me and everyone else who presently has insurance. We pay higher premiums and get squeezed more and more, even as health care continues to be delivered to those without insurance; their numbers are clearly growing.

What's the answer? It's pretty simple. The answer is to get us out of having to "pay for health care" through an insurance premium and create a new requirement that we pay for medical care via dedicated taxes. It's not so radical because to a very large extent, we're already doing that (i.e Medicare, Medicaid, SHIPS, etc.), but today the true costs are hidden from us.

In sum, let us all join the uninsured and get away from an ever-increasing cost structure based upon insurance, one that sooner or later is going to collapse from its own excess. After all, the only parties benefiting from the current system are health insurers and their investors even while the true costs are not paid for by everyone in the system.

Baby Bisphenol A Malfeasance

Here’s a question I never thought to be asking myself:

What brand of bottle do I buy if I’m looking to feed my newly arrived child or children (in the case of twins)?

You could ask friends or family members for their recommendations or simply purchase your bottles on the basis of how much shelf space they have at the local BabiesRUs. If you do what we did, you’ll do both. Thus, based on the recommendation of a close friend and the size of the display, we chose Dr. Brown’s a brand of bottle manufactured by Handi-Craft, Inc.

We brought the bottles home in May and have been using them to feed the girls ever since. At no point did it occur to us to ask whether these bottles, with their six feet of shelf space and a sales price higher than many other brands, might also contain harmful chemicals.

Now don't we feel stupid (if not a bit sick to our stomachs).

While doing some Internet research, we’ve discovered that the bottles contain a chemical proven to leach out with repeated uses and which has been linked via a number of studies to reproductive problems, impaired immune system functions, cancer, etc.

The chemical is Bisphenol A and it’s found in a large number of plastic bottles. Manufacturers, however, are not required to list the ingredients contained in their product and there are no identifying markings on the bottles themselves.

There are bottles made from plastics that don’t contain Bisphenol A, including the containers holding milk and other food products in your local grocery store. Why? Because although no standard exists for containers specifically designed to hold food for infants, there are federal and state rules in place mandating what kind of plastic containers can hold pre-packaged food.

It appears that baby bottles don’t get the same regulatory protection.

I wish I was making this up.

Your Mom is so Hot!

Lawyers are human too. They have needs. Still, those ethics rules are there for a reason.

Learn it, love it, live it!

From the ABA Journal and delivered my way via Legal Blog Watch:

Legal Ethics
Sex With Client’s Mom Requires Waiver

It may be OK for a lawyer to have sex with a client's mother—if the client approves the relationship in a written waiver of the conflict. But you can't ethically have sex with the client, unless the relationship got started prior to the representation.

That is the gist of a Wisconsin Supreme Court opinion that imposed a six-month suspension on attorney Carlos Gamino, for violating each of these rules—with two different clients. Although the Waukesha lawyer denied both relationships, the court upheld a referee's findings that Gamino had slept with one client, as well as another client's mother. It also sanctioned him for a lack of candor with the tribunal.

Gamino, who has now served his six-month suspension and is making payments on restitution of between $20,000 and $25,000 for court costs, was reinstated to the Wisconsin bar today.

Here's the Wisconsin Supreme Court opinion.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall to listen in on this waiver explanation!

Nessun dorma ... One Now Sleeps

Driving into work this morning I heard the news that opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died last night at his home in Italy of complications from pancreatic cancer.

I'm not sad because I believe that the ending of a well-lived life is cause for celebration, not mourning (and by all accounts Pavarotti lived well). I am, however, reflective this morning because someone who did something truly amazing is no longer with us. Opera-wise, the 20th Century was ushered in by Enrico Caruso and completed by Pavarotti.

I saw and heard him sing in 2002 during a concert in Washington DC. In a way it was a rare privilege because out of the more than six billion people on this planet, only a fraction ever gets the chance to be personally inspired the way Pavarotti and his voice were so exceptionally capable of doing. In my experience, the inspiration of seeing him sing came freely; i.e. without strings attached and I've noticed that inspiration these days more often than not carries a price.

While I can revisit his music regularly, I also can’t help but consider that the world is now a tiny bit less beautiful as a result of his death.

His singing was simply goddamned glorious.

"E noi dovrem, ahimè, morir."

Logic Solves Everything

Does it matter if he cries?


No, not if he doesn't understand why he's crying.

Using the same logic...

Does it matter if he orders an invasion of Iraq?


No, not if he doesn't understand why he's invading Iraq.

Ah, I get it now. Logical.

First Week of September

My internal clock tells me that it’s time to head back to school and begin the learning process once again.

It’s amazing how going back to school fulltime can shift a person’s perspective from being on a year-round work schedule (vacation optional) back into a mindset of summer’s over, time to once again crack the books and make grandiose plans of making the dean’s list THIS semester.

An impolite way of describing the above might be to suggest that this fall I’m neither scheduled, nor permitted to regress.

But fall is quickly approaching. I can feel it.


After twelve weeks of heat, the trees seem to be holding their breath with an expectation of impending mild days and cool nights, both of which are so necessary for them to drop their leaves and slumber quietly.

The chiminea is clean and ready to glow with a freshly laid fire of pinion, and with football season’s arrival there’s certain to be a pre-game party or two at the house. Speaking of athletics, organized running events begin again during the fall and the Duke City Marathon is scheduled for October 23. While I'm not sufficiently in shape to take on all 26.2 miles, I plan on running in the half-marathon again this year.

The long and the short of it is that like the spring, autumn conveys a sense of fresh beginnings to me and I’m looking forward them all.

Normal is as Normal Does

Question:
What’s the definition of normal?

Answer:
Spending three hours on Saturday afternoon watching the Badgers beat Washington State, 42-21; all the while drinking a beer with my main squeeze sitting next to me on the couch.

Oh yeah… all of the above even while each of us has a four-month old baby girl on our lap. Babies who, I might add are simply facinated by watching football on TV.

What’s "normal" is often in the eye of the beholder but after four months of baby care it sure feels damn good.

Craig's List - ing...

And he looks about ready to tip over.

Notice I didn’t say bend over.
I’m not going to lower the level of the discussion here to point out the obvious.

Senator Larry Craig pled guilty to a federal misdemeanor that besides undermining his credibility on just about every political issue he purports to support, leaves him looking idiotic and puts him in the position of being the only sitting Senator to have been tried and convicted of violating federal law.

The last point alone should be enough for anyone to resign.

But no, not Larry. Instead he held a press conference, wife in tow wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and a less than supportive expression on her face. Before a crowd of reporters in downtown Boise, Larry took the opportunity to uh, defend himself.

In what reminds me of a spin-off of “we’re queer and we’re here,” Larry tells us that he’s not gay and he’s not going away.

Oh really? Could Larry be getting media tips from Mark Foley? Or maybe Dan Burton? I'll cut to the chase and join his GOP colleagues in suggesting he resign now and save us the need to make more fun of him during the workday.

Whether Larry Craig is gay or not is beside the point. Even if he were straight and in a co-ed bathroom and soliciting sex via subtle, coded foot tapping, I still don’t think such conduct is appropriate for a UNITED… STATES… SENATOR.

You know what I mean? I’m talking one half of the legislative branch of our national government, one of only 100 members of what has been called the most exclusive club on the planet, a person with power deriving from Article I , Section 3 of the United States Constitution.

Larry’s guilty plea puts him in the position of being a sitting Senator who is now convicted of violating federal law. The fact that he’s a perverted idiot who pled guilty without counsel is simply, uh window dressing.

No doubt tastefully decorated.

Say Goodnight Alberto

Overheard Sunday afternoon at lunch in Crawford, Texas:

"So, Al, uh... look on the bright side. You had a good run and did some great things."

"Uh huh, I can't recall."

"Don't say that dude, you really improved our numbers when it comes to drug interdiction and illegal immigration. And your arguments in favor of torture were killer."

"Uh, sure. I guess so."

"Hey, don't worry amigo, we'll always be buds. You and me, Hoss and Paco. It'll be like old times."

"But you'll still be in Washington and I'll... I'll... I don't know where I'll be."

"Oh come on Al... Where's that big Texas smile? I'll take care of you buddy."

"You will? Cool. Didn't you always say that you thought I'd make a great U.S. Supreme Court Justice? That would be nice steady work. What do you think?

"I did? Uh, I can't recall."